Not Sure How...

...to grieve for my loss.

This is not a baby that I ever held in my arms, or that I ever saw, or whose face I can picture in my mind. This was, technically speaking, a small cluster of cells and, depending on when I actually miscarried, possibly a very small embryo who was just starting to form. What was left of our baby was just a small black spot on an ultrasound. Still, this miscarriage has shaken me to my core. Just because this baby was never born doesn't mean this loss is diminished for me.

It's been five days since we went to the doctor and found out that we lost our baby, and I still am not sure how to grieve for our baby. Over the past five days, I have started to feel a little less devastated. I have gone from crying nonstop to crying just a few times a day, mostly when I can steal a moment to myself. I can put on a happy face--yesterday was Grace's birthday party, with friends from school as well as family, and I'd like to think that those people that didn't know about the miscarriage weren't able to tell that deep down, I am suffering. There are moments when the grief feels like it's going to take over my body--it's a physical thing, and it almost takes my breath away. Then there are times, when I am playing with Grace or when I am immersed in work, that I feel like one day I will feel okay.

So, I am at a loss for how exactly I am supposed to grieve. There is no closure. I still haven't had any physical signs of a miscarriage, other than cramping. That in and of itself is confusing to me and at times, I wonder if this was some sort of mistake, and that the baby is still alive inside me. All that I can do is put one foot in front of the other and carry myself through this as best I can.