Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Angry in Sioux Falls

Dear Readers:

I am on a business trip in Sioux Falls. Thinking that it might be a good idea for me to get away for a couple of days, on my own, to spend some time reflecting on the loss of the baby and hopefully start to heal a little bit, I decided to go ahead and go on this trip and not cancel it or have a colleague go in my place. Those that know me well know that, during a crisis, I tend to draw myself in and need some space to pull myself together. The fact that this trip comes a week after learning that I am miscarrying seemed to at least serve a purpose in forcing me to take that time away and get that space that I sometimes need.

Of course, this theory might have proven true if I was actually READY to be on my own for a couple of days. I'm not. But, here I am, sitting in a hotel room alone, far from home, and panic is creeping in. I'm not ready to be alone, and the fact that I am is scaring the crap out of me. I am not yet prepared to deal with these feelings of loss on my own. Thank goodness I am going home tomorrow.

In addition to feeling scared, I am also SO PISSED OFF. Everything is making me angry. The idea that I can't actually talk to a human being to set my wakeup call--I have to program it into the phone. The fact that I have cable TV in my hotel room and I have every single news channel known to man except the one station I actually love to watch--CNN. What the hell is the point of having cable around if you can't watch Anderson Cooper 360?!? I don't have cable at home. All that I ask is that when I do have cable around that I ALSO have CNN! Who has CNBC but not CNN? The Holiday Inn in Sioux Falls, that's who!

And don't even get me started on the people who honked and waved at me as I accidentally turned out of the hotel parking lot the wrong way and headed down a one-way street in the wrong direction this morning. I could have jumped out of my car, pulled each one of these people (who were just trying to warn me of impending danger) out of their cars, and kicked their butts.

And then there was the freaky dude in the whirlpool tonight. All that I wanted to do tonight, after a long day of meetings, was to sit in the hot tub for a while and read my book IN PEACE. Nope, not happening for me. Freaky dude starts talking to me about how he tried to read his book in the hot tub but the water kept splashing his book so he had to stop. Guess what? I DON'T CARE. Then, as I got out of the whirlpool to turn the jets back on (whose idea was it to only have 15 minutes on the timer?) I caught freaky dude (who was clearly wearing a wedding ring) leering at me and watching my every move. Sick. I got back into the hot tub and tried to concentrate on reading my book, but freaky dude was sending weird oompa loompa vibes my way, so I covered myself up and hustled back to my room, looking over my shoulder the whole way. Bastard. If I find out that any of you men who read this blog (and I know who you are) go on a business trip, or go anywhere for that matter, and spend your time leering at women who are alone and making them feel uncomfortable, I will hunt you down and cut off your balls. And that's a promise.

Oh, and in addition to freaky dude, there were about ten teenage girls coming in and out of the whirlpool, all giggles and string bikinis. You just wait, skinny girls, till you hit your late 20's and early 30's. Your metabolism will catch up, and you'll be forced to wear a tankini and wouldn't be caught dead in anything with less material than that. You'll be too concerned about things like back fat and scaring small children if you display too much of your wobbly bits.

I'm just so angry. I think anger is somewhere in the grieving process, so this is normal, right? It doesn't feel normal. I have a temper normally, but it's nothing like this. I just want to go home.

Angry in Sioux Falls


Jennifer said...

Yes, anger is definitely in there somewhere. So, this means you're making progress :) Hang in there, it'll get easier eventually.

While I was feeling your pain (both about the loss and the leery, creepy, hot tub man who I think I've met in Madison), you made me giggle out loud with "wobbly bits." My coworkers probably think I'm bipolar.

Carrie said...

You go with your mental bitch-slapping, girl! Whatever gets you through the day, right?

Bert said...

Hi Sweetie. Allow me to turn on my therapist brain for just a moment. Yes, anger is in there. It means you're getting close to actually accepting your loss. It means you'll be able to move on, healthier and wiser, to your next adventure.

If you need to talk, please call me. I know you have a lot of support around you, right now, too. Thank goodness for family and friends. I hope you're back with them.