Dieting Doldrums

I’m on a diet again. Our wedding reception is coming up in less than four weeks, and Sunday after our Easter lunch, I tried on my wedding dress to see how it fit after last putting it on almost six months ago. Not sure why I chose to stuff myself into the dress after eating a large meal which included ham, mashed potatoes, and other carbohydrate- and fat-loaded dishes…I guess I’m glutton for punishment. Suffice it to say, we barely managed to get the dress zipped and when we did, I was SPILLING out of it. Boob fat and back fat galore, I tell ya. And, I attempted to sit down while wearing the dress and was unable to do so without feeling as though my internal organs were screaming, “STOP! YOU’RE KILLING US!” And, the really bad thing was that I was wearing all of my fat-holding-in and shaping underthings and I was STILL so uncomfortable.

So, I started the diet on Monday, and already I am finding it difficult to stay disciplined enough to lose any weight. I’ve been thinking about why it is so hard to diet and lose weight right now, and here is my list of (poor) excuses:

-Christ has risen from the dead. Seriously, who paired Easter with jelly beans, chocolate, and huge carb-filled meals? I’m sure the tradition of giving candy and feasting on Easter got started a hundred years ago by some tribe somewhere, but I’m not interested enough to research it. What I do know is that even though I shouldn’t be, I have been sitting on my couch every night this week nibbling on the solid white chocolate sheep that Aaron gave me for Easter, simply because it’s there and it’s tasty. Let’s not even talk about sneaking jelly beans and mini Cadbury eggs.

-I came off birth control last month, and as a result, my hormones are totally out of control. I’m pimply, cranky, bloated, and ravenously hungry. It’s pretty difficult for me to choose to eat something like a salad or pretzels when I really am craving pizza or cheese puffs.

-Very important business trip coming up in five days. I am leaving for a business trip on Monday and I am told that the people that I will be meeting with in Tennessee are big eaters and big drinkers. Oh good. Just what I need!

-Exposure to really stupid people makes me cranky and thus (since I am an emotional eater), hungry. I spend a good portion of my work day looking at resumes and interviewing people, and it is shocking to me how many people either don’t know or don’t care about how they present themselves to prospective employers. Every time I come across someone emailing me a resume from an email address like xxxbigassmama6969@....com or I contact a candidate and am confronted with a vulgar voicemail greeting like, “Wazz up playas? This is (name). Leave me your number and I’ll think about calling y’all mo-fo’s back. Holla,” or interview someone and listen to them call their former boss a prick, it makes me sad about the state of things. Seriously people—you’re applying for a job. At least attempt some professionalism.

-The dose of my thyroid medication has been lowered. A few years ago, I had some thyroid problems and as a result, I was placed on a thyroid hormone replacement medication because my thyroid had completely crapped out. One good side effect of the medication is that losing weight has been a little easier for me. In fact, over the last year or so, I have been able to eat pretty much as I pleased and not gain weight. Actually, I kept losing weight. Well, late last year, I started experiencing chest pain and heart palpitations, and one of the reasons why was because the dose of my thyroid medicine was too high (this was why I kept losing weight without any effort). So, my doctor said, “Party’s over, sister,” lowered my dosage of medication, and I packed on five pounds almost instantly. And now, it’s quite difficult to lose weight, even if I do eat responsibly. I used to think people that used thyroid problems as an excuse for gaining weight were crazy. Now I believe them, and I am being punished for thinking otherwise.

-I am a wuss and succumb to peer pressure easily. Here at work, most of my colleagues love to eat as much as I do, so when someone suggests ordering lunch from Noodles and Company or Panera, it’s hard for me to say no and eat my Smart Ones frozen dinner whilst smelling other peoples’ tasty lunches. I’m like Ado Annie from “Oklahoma”. I’m just a girl who can’t say no.

-I have a general aversion to diets and feeling hungry in general. ‘Nuff said.

After saying all of this, I want to make it clear that I am still going to TRY MY HARDEST to lose some weight before our reception (my goal is five to ten pounds). I’m starting a walking regimen with a lovely coworker who is also trying to lose weight, and I hope that will help. I do want to look as good in my wedding dress on our reception day as I did on our wedding day. I want to be able to sit down during the reception and not hear the seams on the dress popping. I want to boogie till midnight and not worry about what may be popping out the side of my dress. So, dear readers, please send good thoughts my way. Lord knows I could use them!