Monday, August 31, 2009

The Dumps

I'm gonna preface this by stating that I just returned home from a dentist appointment during which the dentist was finishing up a root canal that has taken four--FOUR--separate appointments, so I'm in a fair amount of pain and I am feeling a bit salty at the moment.

Grace starts school tomorrow. Have you seen these commercials on TV (I think they're for Staples) where the dad takes his kids back to school shopping and he's skippping around the store, gleefully tossing pads of post-it notes and other supplies into his cart while the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" plays in the background? Well, I am the opposite of that dad. In fact, tonight as I was putting Grace to bed, I whispered to her, "Thank you for spending such a wonderful summer with me," and then I broke down in sobs. SOBS. I have tears in my eyes now just thinking about it...although the feeling that a dull nail is piercing me in the jaw might have something to do with the tears.

Here's the thing. It probably wasn't a particularly memorable summer for Grace. Don't get me wrong--we did lots of fun stuff. We went to the park almost everyday. We went to a whole bunch of festivals. We went to the Children's Museum a few times. We walked to the library at least once a week. We went to the zoo at least once a week, and we even camped at the zoo a few weeks ago. We visited family. Grace had many fun playdates. But, will she remember all the fun we had in another year or two? Maybe, maybe not. But this summer will always, always be a special one for me.

Chances are, this was the one and only summer that I will be able to spend at home with my children. I have been actively looking for a job for a few weeks now--let's face it, not many families I know can live comfortably on one income--so the writing's on the wall. I'm headed back to work, and as much as I want to drag my feet and hem and haw about it, it's gonna happen sooner or later. Another summer like this one is probably not in the cards for us. And that is just heartbreaking for me.

Here come the tears again...I should be thankful, and I really, really am, that I had this opportunity. But it's hard.

I'm trying really, really hard to at least match Grace's excitement for the first day of school. And tomorrow when I drop her off, I will be all smiles and excitement...for her. And, maybe a little for me, too. But, when I turn around to walk home, I know that things just won't be quite the same without her home with me.


Mom said...

Don't worry, I think she will remember. It's part of her, even if someday she doesn't have any specific memories of this summer, it is part of the shaping of a person. It is part of what she will become as a person. Good job-Sara.

Sara said...

thanks mom. totally what i needed to hear.