Three Months and Counting

Three months from today is my due date--March 22nd. Holy crap.

I spent the first half of my pregnancy not believing that this whole thing was actually happening, and then once we had that second ultrasound in October and we saw that our son looks healthy and is doing just fine, I progressed from disbelief to guarded excitement but this all hadn't really sunken in until just recently. Back when I first found out I was pregnant in July, I remember thinking that I would be hitting my third trimester during the holidays, and that seemed like it was AGES away. And here we are, three days away from Christmas, just like that.

I'm feeling a lot of things right now. At the top of the list is a growing sense of excitement--now that I have been feeling the baby kicking for quite a while and I can actually see his jabs and pokes from the outside, my sense of fear is diminishing a bit and for the first time I'm allowing myself to feel excited about all of this. I've even considered shopping for the baby's layette--Aaron and I agreed that we will start shopping for baby clothes and other stuff we'll need after the new year. That's a HUGE step for us and I'm excited to get started. And, I'm getting to the point now where I just want to meet this little person who I have been carrying around for the past six months. I want to see his little face and I want to finally be able to hold him.

Then there's the fear--not fear that something is going to happen to the baby, but fear about labor and delivery looming around the corner. I did not have a "typical" delivery with Grace (but then again, what delivery is typical?)...due to my PIH, I was induced at 38 weeks, and for a first time delivery, things went pretty quickly and smoothly. I went to the hospital at 6am, had my water broken at 7am, and without the aid of Pitocin or an epidural, Grace was born at 3:48pm that afternoon. I didn't have the experience of laboring at home or wondering when to go to the hospital--I had an appointment. And, I also felt all of the labor and delivery pains since I didn't have an epidural. Sometimes I think second-time moms are at a bit of a disadvantage because we KNOW what is coming. First-time moms have a fear of the unknown...those of us who have been down this road before have a fear of what we already know: that there is only one way this baby is coming out, and there is a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and pain involved. Since I'm planning to deliver without an epidural again, I am feeling some pretty significant fear about the pain and I also fear that I'll succumb to the epidural.

(By the way, I don't think that women who use epidurals are wimps...y'all are probably the smart ones and any mom, regardless of how her child is born or what medications she uses or doesn't use, is a heroine. For me, I just can't stand the idea of a needle going into my spine and I really don't like the idea of being bedridden during labor and delivery. Part of the reason I think that things went relatively quickly with Gracie was because I was up and moving around for the majority of labor and gravity and position changes helped me deliver quicker.)

The third feeling that I have been experiencing a lot lately has been a bit hard to describe...melancholy, perhaps. This is the last Christmas that Grace will be an only child. We only have three more months of "just the three of us". I know that things are going to change dramatically for our little family come March, and although I know that all of the changes are going to be good, part of me is a little sad at the same time. I love my little family as it is now and I know that things are never going to be the same once the baby comes. And, it's hard for me to imagine not having as much time for Grace as I have for her now. How am I going to fit in our nightly snuggles on the couch or our coloring time or our reading time that I cherish so much when I have a newborn on my hands? I guess I will have to learn how to make that extra special time for her every day once the baby is on the scene...

And I need to stop talking about that NOW...I just put on my mascara and I don't want to have to do it again.

Here's to a healthy, happy, and (hopefully) speedy third trimester!!!